An open letter to the producers of the James Bond franchise:
Word on the street is that you’re starting production on the next James Bond movie, Casino Royale (v2) and you haven’t yet cast the Bond villian.
Well, allow myself to submit myself for consideration. I know you’re saying “Who is this King Tom jackass?” Well, you don’t need to know the details. But I can tell you that I would be the best Bond foe since Telly Savalas.
I’d be a lot better than the lead singer from Live who had the bullet stuck in his brain- what was his deal anyway?
Let’s face it- things aren’t looking so rosy for the franchise. You’ve decided to ditch Pierce and hire some jabroni to play the part of Bond— strike one. You also decided to turn down an offer from Quentin Tarantino to direct the movie–strike two.
Let me save you from the indignity of strike three. I have already put together a two-part, fool-proof plan to cement myself as the greatest Bond villian ever.
Part one: Lure James Bond to Casino Royale.
Part two: Shoot Bond (or have one of my costumed underlings shoot Bond) right between the eyes.
If necessary, I can amend my plan to bribe Felix Leiter (bribe him with what? well, howabout a new set of bionic legs) to give Bond some counterfeit currency once his luck runs out at Baccarat.
Additionally, I’m not dumb. I know that you’re supposed to drink white wine with fish. I wouldn’t hire Wayne Newton to be a front for my drug-smuggling operation. And I wouldn’t use cheezy metaphors involving Japanese fighting fish to describe my plans for world domination. I’d keep my underlings happy and let them on my space station so they don’t turn on me and help Bond.
As you can see, I have a more well-thought-out plan than that guy who wanted to blow up the world with that giant Jiffy-Pop machine (thanks djl) from space. Keep this film simple. Hire me, and I’ll make the most memorable Bond villian ever.
I can promise you, I’ll at least be a lot better than this guy:
Thank you for your consideration.