King Tom's Kingdom

The saga of the beep is getting worse.

The whatever device in my neighbor’s apartment kept up it’s every ten second beeping pattern until about 5:30 this morning. At 5:30, the device started one long, much louder, uninterrupted beep that has continued until at least noon.

The only thing I can think of it being is their smoke detector is running low on batteries. But eventually, they’d have to run out- wouldn’t they?

It’s like Chinese water torture, but with sound. If I go crazy, you won’t have to wonder why. It’s because of this beep.

My life is becoming a Seinfeld episode.

Starting Thursday afternoon, I started noticing this beep coming from the apartment next to mine. Every ten seconds, I’d hear this loud, sharp beep from next door. It’s loud enough you can hear it in the hall way and throughout my apartment. And it’s just one quick beep every ten seconds.

Well, I haven’t seen my neighbors all week. And the beep has continued day and night, annoying the hell out of me.

Unlike Elaine and the alarm clock, I don’t think there are any shared outlets between the two apartments. And I don’t have a crazy Kramer-style neighbor I can convince to stick a paperclip in a socket, even if there was one.

Say this started Thursday afternoon around 5. Since then, it’s beeped more than 16,000 times.

So I’m left being driven crazy by this beep-wondering two things:

-What kind of device beeps every ten seconds for days on end?

-What type of sadistic mind would invent a device that beeps every ten seconds for days on end?

If any one knows, please tell me.

The Kingdom would like to wish a happy birthday to the United States of America. I hope everyone out there has a great Fourth of July. I’m just happy to have electricity again.

Also, Happy Birthday to George Steinbrenner. Another candle in the big calzone for the Boss.

I live between two quasi-major roads, each with their fair share of shopping plazas.

Occasionally, establishments at various plazas will dress up some yahoo in an outfit and have them standing by the curb, jumping up and down and waving at cars in an effort to drum up business. I’ve seen this in all seasons, in the freezing cold and the sweltering heat.

In the past I’ve seen:
-A tax preparation service dress up people like the Statue of Liberty or Uncle Sam
-A Halloween Costume place dress up kids like the Incredibles
-A restaurant dress up people like giant hamburgers and hot dogs

And today, I saw two scantily clad young ladies bouncing up and down to publicize a gym while walking to pick up my car (nevermind the fact that when walking by, I heard a car slam on its breaks while passing by and almost causing an accident).

Of those four, the last is the only one that I think would get people’s interest–and that’s only half of the gym’s potential audience.

But other than that, does this type of exercise really have any appeal? Does seeing Lady Liberty holding her torch high in freezing weather make you think “gee, I gotta get my taxes done right this minute!”? Does seeing a guy dressed up like a giant hamburger make you hungry? Does seeing two women jumping up and down make you want to pump iron?

I just think it makes these poor saps look like shmucks and makes me angry at those people who slow down to look, wave or honk.

While driving in downtown Columbus this afternoon, I saw a man riding one of those Segway scooters.

It was not this man:

I’ve heard the phrase herdin’ cats many times in my life. I always thought it was a ridiculous phrase, until today, when I actually herded a cat. Well, I still think it’s ridiculous phrase, but the act of herding a cat isn’t that difficult.

I have a neighbor (not the weird one) who has a cat. The neighbor lets the cat roam the hallways of our apartment building when he (the neighbor, that is) is away at work. People don’t mind, because Ripken (the cat, although if it were mine, I would have named it Jeter, Alvaro or even Meacham) is a nice cat and doesn’t leave any deposits in the hallway.

Anyway, this morning, I was leaving for work, when I remembered just as I was opening the door, to take the trash out. So I walked back to my kitchen, took the bag out of the trashcan, tied it up and walked back out, when I heard a meow coming from my bedroom. With a full trashbag in hand, and my work satchel in the other, I followed the meows, to find Ripken under my bed. I kind of comically chased him out, trying to block his way as we went, so that he wouldn’t explore my apartment further.

Even with my hands full, I managed to get him out, and I have to admit, it was quite fun. But herding the cat wasn’t difficult. From all the times I had heard the phrase, I thought it would be some insurmountable task. But if I can do it, so can you.

So the next time someone uses the phrase “herdin cats,” just think that obviously, they should color themselves shamed–and if I had a metaphor tree out back, I could go on all day. You get the idea.

While I’m no Brodie Bruce, I was pretty big into comic books at one point in my life.

Beginning in the mid-eighties and lasting through the end of high school, I spent way too much money on comic books, most of which I still have. My favorite book, which I have a still near-encyclopedic memory of, is the X-Men. So, I’m extremely familiar with all of the X-Men characters and storylines from the beginning until about 1995 or so.

I’ve enjoyed the X-Men movie franchise. With X3 being titled “The Last Stand” and a lot of scuttlebutt about how this is the end of the franchise, I walked into the theater expecting to be disappointed. I was actually surprised by my reaction to the movie.
Continue reading “I’ve got a fever. And the prescription is more Colossus.” →

I am not, nor have I ever been a member of the Secret Wars Re-Enactment Society.

Although, I may have been if such a thing existed back when I was in high school.